Nice Things

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There are two kinds of nice things. The kind we can have, and the kind we can't. Almost invariably, we can't have nice things.

Remember that time you were playing a game of soccer inside and you kicked it the wrong way and then your mother was crying over a broken vase and your father was glowering and getting ready to administer a beating and it was the best birthday ever?

Well, you're why you can't have nice things.

Nice Things We Can Have

Nice Things We Can't Have

  • Shiny Cookware
    • Sure, we could buy them, but would they be burned into submission, or run away first?
  • Vacuum Cleaners
    • We spend so much money on them! Why do they keep breaking?!
    • I mean, srsly, the only thing that sucks more than the vacuums is our ability to operate them!
    • C'mon now, you're a fucking engineer.
      • Suggestion: We either do not acquire any new vacuums, or we get one that's able to endure the ass-fucking someone's inevitably going to give it.
  • Segway
  • Friction tape under the coffee table.
  • Comfortable couches
  • XBox
  • Gamecube controllers
    • Go easy on the poor B buttons.
  • Chalk
  • Other broken things
  • Innocence